


Not Again

by PaulineHolmes02



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Cocaine, Depressed Sherlock Holmes, Drugged Sherlock Holmes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Guilty John Watson, Hallucinations, Idiots in Love, John Watson Saves the Day, John is a Bit Not Good, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mary Dies, Post-Episode: s04e01 The Six Thatchers, Sherlock (TV) Season/Series 04 Fix-it, Sherlock (TV) Spoilers, Sherlock is a Mess, Spoilers, St Bartholomew's Hospital, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 19:41:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17230010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaulineHolmes02/pseuds/PaulineHolmes02
Summary: SPOILERS!Sherlock 4th season!After the horrible letter John left him after Mary's death, Sherlock sinks back in to drugs and he begins to use again. Broken and overdosed, he ends up on the roof of the St. Bartolomew's Hospital and he's ready to jump again, this time without his tricks.His bare life depends on John Watson. Will he get there in time?





	Not Again

 

It was a dark evening, around 9 PM, raining heavily from big grey clouds. 

Sherlock was sitting on the cold pavement, leaning over the stone wall of some old house. He lifted his trembling fingers, in which he was holding a piece of paper. It was crumpled, tattered and wet, but the man was clenching it like with his dear life, from taking it out and into his pocket. 

_You swore it, you FREAK!_

Those five words, even though they were hurtful, they kept reminding him of John, the only one who ever cared about him. It was the last thing there was left of him. 

Sherlock let his limb fall down into his lap and hide the letter back into his Belstaff coat. He took the hype from the ground. A little voice inside his head was whispering to make him stop, horrified John's face hunted his mind. ' _Sherlock! What are you doing? Have you gone mad?'_

" It's obvious, isn't it?" He sneered and tightened the grip on the hype he was holding.

 _'But why? Please don't do this...'_ The picture of John in his Mind Palace sobbed.

" Shut up! You're not here, so don't tell me what I can or can't do!" Sherlock screamed loudly and some woman on the street turned to look at him and shot him with a disgusted glare.

He wasn't there, he left him like everybody else did. Why was he surprised? After all, he wasn't anything else but a freak. 

He shook his head and inserted the needle into his left forearm, the cocaine flew into his vein. He sighed with pleasure, as the cold needle dipped into his skin and felt the drug fill his body with stimulated joy. Finally he could dive into the world without worries, far away from the problems. 

 

* * *

 

John rushed upstairs, he took the staircase by the three stairs. After what he heard from the sirens, he was more than sure who was standing on the roof of the Saint Bartolomew's Hospital. It was his fault! His bloody fault! If he hadn't been such an idiot, Sherlock would be safe! But no, he was acting like a proper cretin, what was he thinking? He couldn't stop Mary from what she was preparing to do! And he blamed him for something he wasn't responsible for... 

Finally, he was on the roof. And on the very edge of it was-

" Sherlock! You'll do one more bloody step and I'm jumping right after you!" The soldier screamed, his voice was strong and piercing with panic. 

The asked one slowly turned. 

John gasped for the air with a horror. His best friend was almost unrecognisable. He began to shake and he shook his head, this can't be the truth! 'What have I done?! I was his only friend and I disappointed him!' 

His posture wasn't straight, as it always was, the man in front of him was ducked and his back was hunched. His incredibly thin body was trembling with huge tremors, it was a miracle he was standing, that his bony legs even supported him. And his breath... With every single inhale, his lungs rasped, they kept making that awful noise. He caught a cold. 

The beautiful soft hair of his was clammy, sticking to his forehead - the man was completely soaked. 

He fixed his dull, blurry eyes at him, trying to concentrate at his friend. His irises which always fascinated John were around with bloody scleras, and under them shined dark violet bags. 

He lost so much weight, his cheekbones protruded more than they ever did. John was afraid that they will break his thin skin if he'll move his mouth. His lips were dry and so his throat, every swallow was painful torture. On the top of all of this, his pale face was covered with blood, from the nosebleed, the doctor guessed. 

The bottom line, the Only-World's-Consulting-Detective and self-proclaimed High Functioning Sociopath Sherlock Holmes was absolutely stoned, high as a kite. 

" Sherlock... Can you hear me?" 

  
But Sherlock couldn't. Suddenly, he felt a hundred of tiny legs walking on him, underneath his clothes, on his bare skin. The buzzing noise vibrated in his eardrums, he felt as if his head was going to burst. His breath grew even faster, the huge wave of panic almost suffocated him. He pressed his palms onto his ears as he closed eyes. 

" Sherlock?" John whispered, and with a horror written in his face, he watched the detective in front of him. He was horrified so much that his mind went blank, he didn't know what to do... He was afraid to do even one little step, Sherlock was in a state that he could jump. 

Sherlock's eyes snapped open and he began to wave his hands. " Help! Sent them away! Please!" He shrieked, his voice filled with fear and anxiety. He felt as if there was a swarm of wasps and every single one kept injecting it's stinger into his body. He loved bees, as a small child he was absolutely amazed by them. But those legs and stingers didn't belong to bees, but to horrible wasps. 

" Sent away who?" John asked and took one little step forward. He knew what was going on. Hallucinations mixed with anxiety attack were nothing unusual but the drug overdose. 

The detective reached his clenched fingers to his temples and he moaned loudly, his voice filled with pain. " Those wasps! Those horrible insects! Please! It hurts! GOD, IT HURTS SO MUCH!" 

" Sherlock... 

" Ow... Ow... Owie... OH GOD! I'M GOING TO JUMP!" Sherlock shrieked and turned over to watch the dark sky and huge hole underneath him. He was afraid that he'll go mad, those terrible annoying wasps were unbearable, they kept stinging him again and again. The only way to escape was JUMP.

" NO! NO, please! Don't do it! We'll get rid of them, everything is going to be alright... But please... Don't jump! DON'T! "

  
Sherlock continued to shake and his head spun. All of the sudden, his legs resigned to carry him and his knees buckled. But before he could squish on the roof, the soldier rushed towards him and caught him into the pair of strong muscular arms. 

John gasped and began to call himself the worst insults he knew. He was so light, much lighter than he seemed. 

" Please, find Jawn Watson..." Sherlock muttered through the gritted teeth. 

The sentence he said was giving John chills. He was so high that he didn't even recognise him! The doctor caressed his cheek and he forced man's mouth open with his fingers. Then he wrapped his arms around him, they slipped under his head and knees and he lifted his light body off the ground. " Sherlock... It's me! I'm John Watson..." He walked faster until he almost ran. 

Sherlock smiled, his vision blurred and darkened. " Brilliant... Tell him... Tell him that... I'm going to save him and that I..." And then, he collapsed. His limbs went numb and they fell along John's thighs. 

The goosebumps began to sprout on John's arms. No! Not again! He couldn't let him die again! He pressed a light kiss on Sherlock's forehead." Don't worry... I'll save you!" And he flew downstairs to get him immediately to the hospital. 

 

* * *

 

  
Beep... Beep... Beep... 

Sherlock woke up into this annoying beeping noise, which kept reasoning in his ears, making his head pound. This noise could be connected with only one place... No... 

Suddenly, his mind filled with memories of that night. He was injecting a cocaine into the vein. He was taking step after step upstairs, up to the roof of St. Barts Hospital... He was preparing to jump... He was feeling insect walking on his skin... He was screaming at John to help him. John! JOHN! 

Where was he? Where was his John? Was it real? It felt so real, so truthful... Was it just his stoned mind that made the illusion of him? But what if he was really there, on the roof? What he had to think about him, seeing him like that? 

Oh God, that stupid noise drew him insane... 

  
He slowly opened his heterochromic eyes, which immediately changed from it's blue colour to light green, reacting like this on the bright light of the hospital room. He blinked several times to get used to this brightness. " Jo... J'hn..."

He was there, sitting on the chair. One look at him told him everything he needed to know. He didn't sleep for a long time, three or four days. He lost weight, the seven pounds he gained from the relationship with Mary were gone, along with eight more. His cute round face was sharp and so his soft looking body. The beautiful ocean eyes were bloodshot and decorated with dark bags underneath them. He didn't have a time to shave himself, the stubble covered his little weak chin. But at least, he didn't grow that horrible moustache. 

The stream of his thoughts was broken by the soldier's voice. 

" Sherlock! Oh Thank God! You're awake! Do you remember anything?" John's voice was filled with pain and anxiety. 

Sherlock was still getting used to the new setting around him. " Unf'rtunat'ly I do... " He lisped and tried to get up. It wasn't a good idea, his head spinned and he laid down again. 

John jumped out of the chair and grabbed gently Sherlock's thin hands. " Sherlock, I'm so sorry! It was my fault! Everything is!" 

" What are you babbling about? It was me, who got stoned! You have nothing to do with it!" He looked him in the face, with pure confusion in his beautiful eyes. 

" Of course I have! Because of this!" John put his hand into his pocket and took out the piece of paper. 

Sherlock panicked and reached out his arm to grab the letter. " Give it to me! It's mine!" It looked like his bare life depended on that writing. 

John hidden his face with his palms. " Sherlock! I'm the reason why you overdosed! Oh God, you were so high! You could die! You wanted to jump off the roof! After all I've done to you!" He whined and began to tremble. 

" John... "

The doctor's arms slipped into his lap, and the tears strained his cheeks. " No, don't say it's not my fault! Because it is! Please, forgive me! I beg you!"

Sherlock lifted himself up again and moaned slightly, but this time he was successful. " John, of course I forgive you, I did so long ago..."

John glared at him as he had grown a second head. " But I blamed you for her death! You've done so much for her and me and I acted like a complete bloody idiot!" 

Sherlock took his hand into his and stroke it with a thumb. " John, calm down... There was so much pressure put on you. I pretended to be dead for two years! Then you found out that woman you made your wife was an assassin, then she left you with a baby and on the top of everything she died in your arms! You had every right to be angry." He tried to reassure him and justify his actions. 

" No I hadn't! And especially not at you! I'm so sorry for that letter, it was a final straw!" 

" No, it was... It was the only thing that kept me alive. It reminded me of you, I still had a feeling you were with me, as long as I had this paper."

John ruffled his spiky graying hair in frustration. " But why me? You don't deserve someone horrible as I am. I hurt you so much..." The huge sob escaped his throat. He couldn't understand how could Sherlock forgive him. 

Sherlock couldn't take it any longer. " Because I love you, idiot!" He blurted and closed his eyes as he prepared for the laugh and mockers. But none of that came. 

The mattress bent underneath the detective as John sat next to him. " How long?" 

Sherlock lowered his gaze and refused to look at ex-soldier. " From 30th January... 2010... "

" But we met 29th... Oh God..." John gasped and pressed his hand to his mouth. How could he be so blind? How come he wasn't able to see all of those hints! Sherlock went to his bloody wedding as his Best Man and gave there the most beautiful speech he ever heard. Sherlock killed a man because his lying wife was in danger! Sherlock was always there for him. 

" John... I... I will understand if... " Sherlock began, but he didn't get a chance to finish his sentence. He was silenced with John's soft lips, which pressed on his mouth. At first, his body went stiff. He was shocked, this wasn't like fake kisses with Janine. This was what he needed, to get a kiss from someone he really loved. Slowly and carefully, he began to return it. His heart began to beat faster. 

  
Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep.Beep. Beep.Beep.Beep

  
John pulled out quickly to check on him. Sherlock blushed. There was nothing wrong with his heart, it was only reaction to the kiss he received. Both of them chuckled. 

" Sherlock, I'm so - "

Sherlock shot him with a glare. " John, if you'll say you're sorry for one more bloody time, you'll die in the most painful way I could think of. And you know how creative I can be..." He grinned and grabbed his jumper so he could drag him closer. 

" Are you sure it's a good idea?" The doctor asked and pointed towards the. 

Sherlock rolled his eyes and shook his head. " Shut your mouth and give me a kiss, you little shit, or I'm going to consider my forgiveness..."

John couldn't resist. Well, he didn't have to... 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again, dear readers.
> 
> I was curious about what John wrote in the letter to Sherlock after Mary's death. So I decided to take it in my own hands and that's the result, that sort of happened :)
> 
> Yours,  
> PaulineHolmes02


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